Unwanted pregnancy ... A sad subject for reflection and conversation. This subject is always difficult, no matter what decision is made when such a pregnancy occurs: interrupt it or save it. Today our conversation will only go about the second case - a woman decides to have a baby. First of all, we need to understand why an unwanted pregnancy is saved, because now any woman can make an abortion. However, life shows that there are always a lot of reasons for refusing to abort. To begin with, all cases of maintaining an unwanted pregnancy can be divided into three groups:
Galina Filippova; Elena Pechnikova D.psychol.n., Professor, deputy. head. Department of General Psychology and History of Psychology of the Moscow Humanitarian and Social Academy. Obstetrician-gynecologist, women's consultation No. 102 in Moscow
Pregnancy in principle is welcome, but it has not arrived in time or for other reasons has turned out to be "wrong".
In this case, a woman wants a child, but circumstances at a specific moment in her life interfere with the preservation of pregnancy, and as a result, a painful internal conflict arises: to abandon motherhood, interrupt the child's beginning life (this is how abortion is treated in this case) or lose something very important , break, or even break off relations with loved ones, etc. Circumstances that interfere with maintaining a pregnancy can be very different.
The birth of a child "puts an end to the end of schooling, but there are very few left ... Just got a good job, the first successes, ahead there are very real prospects, they need to be realized and consolidated, then you can take a" time out, "but now - just can not be ... Living conditions are completely unsuitable for the emergence of a child, and it is dangerous to interrupt this "unintentional" pregnancy: doctors say that the probability of the next is almost zero ... Yes, how many situations can there be?
In principle, all such circumstances are associated with a woman's awareness of the fact that for the future of motherhood it is necessary to prepare a solid platform, the absence of which, of course, will significantly complicate the whole subsequent life. It is also important that in such cases the woman is well aware of what she will lose with the advent of the child, but often does not know what she will gain. It's good, if a caring mother loving and ready to help her husband comes along - then gradually the child himself, all the good that is associated with him, will take their solid place in the life of the future mother, and by the middle of pregnancy all the "losses" will appear not so serious , and the future is not so bleak. And if everything lies only on the shoulders of the woman? Then the adoption of the decision "in favor of the child" is inevitably accompanied by painful experiences, anxiety, often a sense of guilt (here, at first I allowed pregnancy, then left it, but how now I can live and provide the child with a decent future?). All this is exacerbated by remorse due to the fact that she dares to think about the future child as a hindrance, catches herself thinking about how good it would be if there was not this pregnancy ...
If pregnancy for the woman herself is desirable, but everyone around thinks otherwise, this is also the reason for a deep internal conflict. After all, we share life with our loved ones, and the appearance of the child will undoubtedly change the life not only of the future mother, but also of her husband, parents, older children. This is a very serious problem: leaving the unwanted pregnancy for a loved one, the woman automatically takes full responsibility for herself. In addition, during pregnancy and after the birth of the baby, the mother will need the help of relatives, it automatically becomes more dependent on them, but how difficult it will now be to ask and accept this help! And it happens that to keep such a pregnancy is to seriously aggravate or even break off relations. It is a great courage to stand up against all and assume the brunt of the decision. In this case, the whole pregnancy will be accompanied by doubts, conflicts with oneself and relatives, fear and anxiety before the future.
Pregnancy is planned, that is, seemingly desirable, but it is needed for something that is not associated with the child himself.
This pregnancy looks like a welcome (after all, in advance it was prepared, it was specially "made" or at least expected). But this pregnancy is needed not so much for the birth of a child as for any other purposes: to fasten the family or create it (as is known, the method is almost safe), sometimes it's just "time already", and maybe - "to improve health" ( even doctors advise!) ... The family has a daughter (or two!), and her husband needs an "heir" ... It is possible that a little later the birth of a child will be hampered by life circumstances, and now is the time, so there's nothing to think about your feelings, It is necessary to do what is "necessary" ... And in general, the child must be given birth to be "like everyone else" ...
Although in such cases in the first place - calculation (the child needs to ...), the understanding that the child requires dedication, my mother also has. But she is not always ready for this and tries to minimize her emotional and emotional expenses as much as possible. It turns out the opposition of the desired and possible, which affects the experiences of a woman, is expressed in her discontent, impatience, irritation.
Pregnancy is not welcome, but it is impossible to interrupt.
Such pregnancy is most often accidental, but it can also be quite natural. Let's start with random. There are several reasons why a woman maintains such a pregnancy. Most often, this relationship with loved ones. The husband dreams of a child, will never forgive an abortion ... The mother has strict views: "You will do an abortion - I will curse!" (This is, I must say, a frequent case in the practice of doctors and psychologists) ... Own beliefs or the opinion of "authorities" (mentors, priests and .p.) Do not allow to decide on abortion ... And, of course, the state of health that does not allow for abortion (or the case when termination of pregnancy threatens infertility). Maybe this: age is already "pinched", and if not now - then, apparently, never. And since it happened ...
The situation is also possible: a woman is not ready for motherhood, does not really want to have children (as one mother of an adult daughter said, "there are women who are quite happy without it, not in the stone age, we live, there are many other ways to become happy "). Most often, such a woman thinks that the birth of a child is the end of her own independent and so valuable life for her, she does not know how to divide herself between motherhood and other spheres of her life. But there is nothing to be done, she argues, life is arranged like this, and not otherwise: marriage means the birth of children, and loneliness is even worse - in general, of course, out of the fire and into the fire, but there is no other way ...
In all these cases, the woman finds herself in a peculiar trap: pregnancy catches her unawares, but she has nowhere to go. How she will survive her current position, depends on many reasons, but the pleasures of a new state, tenderness for the future child, bright hopes for the future in this case, of course, will not appear.
In this connection, two extremely important questions arise: how does the experience of a woman who harbors an unwanted pregnancy (she herself admits to herself or not), affects the woman herself (the course of her pregnancy) and the child (his development in the womb and his physical and mental health after birth). We will try to answer these questions, although far from everything in this area is known.
How does bearing unwanted pregnancy affect its course?
Our nervous system, like the commander in chief during combat operations, is called upon, on the basis of an analysis of the external and internal, psychological, conditions of life, to decide whether the current situation is suitable for performing certain vital tasks or whether we must first wait out the danger and unfavorable circumstances. As we have seen, bearing an unwanted pregnancy is always accompanied by negative emotional experiences. Excessive anxiety, uncertainty, psychological problems give rise to a complex of sensations, similar to the state of a person with a strong danger. The nervous system "does not know" neither the causes themselves, nor our interpretation of them. She "knows" only one thing: something is amiss. A "signal" comes from the "commander-in-chief's rate": "danger!". In the body, processes begin to develop that are in fact a reaction to stress, a danger that can not in any way contribute to the calm course of pregnancy. Any internal conflict-protest, even unconscious (and very often unconscious), directs the body's potential to get rid of the source of negative irritation (in this case, the negative factor is expressed in painful thoughts and experiences, the source of which is pregnancy). The result is a pathological course of pregnancy in any of the possible variants, but with the same meaning: an unwanted pregnancy should be interrupted. "Allow me," you will say, "but many women who crave pregnancy are tormented and suffer from toxicosis!" Yes it is. The fact is that anyone who wants a child, even a woman who dreams of a child, becomes pregnant, and experiences her new state in so many aspects. And not necessarily the adoption of pregnancy occurs immediately and unconditionally - there are always some "but". Here also there is a toxicosis. The sooner the future mother "arranges" with the baby, the easier and faster will be her toxicosis (we mean physically healthy women, the patients may be different). It is not by chance that gestosis toxicosis is called a disease of adaptation, adaptation.
How does bearing unwanted pregnancy affect a child?
There is still a lot of science unknown, but people have always known that mother experiences are passed on to the child. In every culture and at all times there was a set of rules for the behavior of a pregnant woman (do not quarrel with others, look at the beautiful, not the ugly, etc.). And modern science confirms this in many ways.
When anxiety and stress occur, blood circulation is disturbed, as a result, the supply of fetus with oxygen and nutrients deteriorates. If these are short-lived episodes, and there are rather long "respites" between them, then the danger is not great. If such conditions are constant or too frequent, then, of course, violations in the development of the child are quite possible. As a result, the child is born weakened, physiologically immature, and with constant and severe stress or prolonged depressed state, the mother may even appear before the time prescribed. In addition, stresses reduce immunity, and mom and baby are unarmed before infections and other harmful effects. Of course, such a child after birth has more problems than desired. So with regard to the physical development of the baby everything is clear enough. The situation is more complicated with his psyche.
In the first trimester, the sensory organs and those parts of the nervous system are created with which you can feel and experience certain emotional states, correlate them with specific events (read - the state of the mother's organism, mother's experiences and some "signals" from the outside, for example sounds). Until all this is formed, the child can not respond to individual stimuli, let alone the feelings and thoughts of the mother. And do not believe the one who inspires you that if you wanted to have an abortion in the first weeks of pregnancy, you spoiled your baby all your life. There is no evidence of this either in science or in practice.
Now let's see what happens when all the sense organs of a child are already formed, when the baby acquires the ability to feel and experience. Now this is not so little known. In the second trimester the child hears (reacts to loud noise, the sound of mother's voice), sees (turns away in the womb from the light directed at the abdomen). If the parents quarrel and speak with loud, irritated voices - he turns off, covering his head with his hands, or beats his feet. Under gentle harmonious music relaxes, falls asleep. All this means that the child can already "compare" the characteristics of the maternal state (changes in the rhythm of heartbeat, blood flow noise in blood vessels, muscle tension, movement style, breathing, voice) with what happens to him. Imagine a situation like this, for example. The whole complex of parental negative reactions and their consequences (lack of oxygen and the inconvenience of the body position - my mother tensed, her muscles contracted, her blood flowed badly through the umbilical cord, her mother's "stressful" hormones, falling with blood to the child's brain, the sharp voice of the pope or other external influence) occurs in response to the touch of the baby to the inner wall of his "house" - the uterus? It turns out, "thinks" (more precisely - feels, knows) baby, that this is the answer to the fact of my existence, to my touch to my mother, which is unpleasant to her (disturbs, scary, anxious, etc.). If such situations are constant, then the child can develop a stable feeling: the world is bad, anxious, we must seek protection from him. But this can already affect the future attitude of this - not yet born - person to life, if, of course, after birth, such an attitude will be confirmed and aggravated by the corresponding actions and reactions of the mother. And again, only she can then rectify the situation without giving the child these confirmations. So in this case, it is not so much the events of pregnancy that are important, as their continuation after the birth of the child.
And the main question: What should I do in these cases?
But this question in a nutshell does not answer. The experiences of women bearing undesirable pregnancies are similar in many respects, their influence on the course of pregnancy and the developing child is also, but the reasons are different each and every time! Symptoms of "treating" are practically useless - we must look for the source of the "disease" and work with it. After all, with the help of the newest methods (medical and psychological - up to hypnosis!), It is possible to bring a pregnant woman into a more or less satisfactory state, but these methods can not be done with the most vital situation, because of which this attitude to pregnancy and motherhood of this woman has arisen.
Of course, it is necessary to change the attitude of the mother to her pregnancy, the child, to herself and her life circumstances, to find only one suitable for her, always the only and unique way to solve the problem. There are no common recipes here! Often (and as a matter of fact always!) It is necessary to include in this work all family though it at times very uneasy to make. We need to look for helpers, better - professional - specially trained psychologists for this work, who are familiar not only with general methods and methods of psychological work, but also know about the features of the psyche of a woman during pregnancy and the effect of this condition on the child's present and future. If this is not possible, seek support from close people, be sure to talk, discuss your situation with those you trust. Do not keep everything in yourself - the mind is good, but two is better. Believe me, you, and your child, are more useful than half an hour (and even an hour) of your stormy tears, than long weeks of anguish or irritation. The kid will understand and help, he is always at one with his mother, just give him that opportunity, support his initiative: accept gratefully soft or even more insistent tapping from the inside, imagine, as he is listening, what может думать (what бы вы подумали и почувствовали на его месте). Неважно, what вы никогда не узнаете, удалось ли вам угадать его состояние. Сейчас главное - «подружиться» с малышом и найти способы самой держаться на высоте (на высоте положительного эмоционального и физического состояния), готовясь к жизни в новом качестве. А в ней необходимо разглядеть (причем, прилагая к этому немало усилий) то хорошее, what неизбежно будет (не бывает, whatбы не было, - ребенок это всегда очень много хорошего, надо только успевать это разглядеть и удержать, а то он так быстро растет и меняется!), и искать пути преодоления трудностей. И это тоже надо делать активно, ведь под лежачий камень вода не течет. Часто помощь можно получить в группах подготовки к родам, только не забывайте, what для тех, у кого беременность «нежеланная», важнее готовиться не к родам as таковым, а именно к самому «родительству», к тому, what будет потом, когда такие недолгие девять месяцев и всего несколько часов родов закончатся... А целая долгая жизнь только начнется!
И, наверное, самое главное. НЕ НАДО ПОСТОЯННО ОГЛЯДЫВАТЬСЯ НАЗАД! Жизнь всегда идет вперед, и дорогу осилит только идущий. Если вы считаете, what в прошлом было много ошибок, то переживания по этому поводу только усугубят ситуацию. Ошибки - это повод для извлечения уроков, а не для самобичевания и отчаяния. Ребенок растет, он очень быстро забывает (а может, и просто не знает?) о прошлом, если вы сами не будете ему постоянно об этом напоминать. Зато он очень чуток к тому, as вы относитесь к нему сейчас. А сейчас ему нужна ваша любовь, забота, радость от общения с ним, уверенность в будущем. Это - лучшие лекари и помощники. Так what только вперед, и тогда все получится!