One humorous monologue, written forty years, if not more, back, began with the words "Anyone can marry ...". This is because every girl wanted to get married, and no matter what kind of education, place of residence, work, salary, or anything at all, almost everybody wanted to marry, and rare exceptions were immediately declared not entirely adequate. It is quite clear why marriage was necessary (and even necessary) several centuries ago, when the woman completely depended on men - first from the father and from the older brothers, and then from her husband. And only some women could claim that they manage their own destiny: remember the daughter of Prince Yaroslav Anna, who became the queen of France, remember Catherine the Great ... However, these powerful ladies in one way or another depended on men's decisions - for the beginning of very young girls still married in almost unknown people to unknown countries. But today the situation is completely different. Any girl, would desire, can get any education (and even a few), any woman can achieve those heights that really interest her and with whom she is able to cope. A woman in our time can be not only a doctor or a teacher, but also the president of the country, and the prime minister, and the minister of law enforcement agencies, and the cosmonaut ... Accordingly, material issues in this case are not considered, because life is beyond any doubt, enough. Your own home? Yes, if only the money were! To give birth outside of marriage? Absolutely normal variant, and illegitimate children do not feel absolutely any inconveniences and harassment. So why do women want to get married? Really to wash and pat, and along the way to cook a duck with apples and a cake of meringues? .. But probably not enough else, so modern men quite often (not always, but more often than would like the pretenders to the honeymoon) are not in a hurry to get married! The cake will be eaten, things will be dragged, the lid on the toilet will not be lowered, the socks will be scattered - but the proposals do not. But what is it?
Several reasons why a man is not in a hurry in the registry office
Unfortunately, many girls have firmly and completely learned the lesson, which in this case could be partially missed. The point is that very many girls who can not get a coveted offer, start to think that something is wrong with them. Maybe you need to lose weight? Maybe you should drink beer? Maybe we should lure borshch and cutlets? Maybe change the pink telephone to black and listen only to rock?
Unfortunately, men do not rush to marry not because of the failed chops and certainly not because of the music in the player. In fact, everything is much more complicated, although if you look at a slightly different angle, it's much easier. Reason No. 1 - Intimophobia.
Someone from modern girls could imagine such a turn of events? It turns out that this is confirmed by the results of independent studies that have been carried out repeatedly by psychologists of different countries, a fairly large number of young and perfectly healthy men suffer from this pathology of character that the mother has brought up (especially often this result is the result of the upbringing of single mothers who are often nervous , unpredictable and unbalanced, but, fortunately, many still remain completely normal and capable of raising a normal son). Quite naturally, the boy grows in the very early years in full confidence that such behavior is the norm and that marriage will certainly be associated with scandals, with hysterics, with claims, with constant inadequate statements ... In short, an unbalanced mother is fully capable of raising in her son that the most intimophobia, that is, the panic fear of close relations, which can spoil more than one life and break more than one destiny. A man who grew up under the wing of such a mother, very much afraid of getting into any dependence on anyone, does not have the slightest confidence in almost anyone and cherishes his freedom, independence and independence. How to keep?
Oh, it's hard work ... You can keep it, but what will it cost? Feelings do not show, do not show affection, do not pretend to be free, do not ask unnecessary questions ... In any other case, such a man quickly recalls the most "pleasant" and bright moments of communication with his mother and immediately disappears from the horizon of any woman, so that even minimal repetitions were simply impossible. Reason number 2 - Preference for civil marriage.
Sociological studies conducted by English scientists in some European countries have made quite unexpected conclusions, from which it follows that men better retain their mental health, being in a civil marriage, and not at all officially married. Apparently, that's why many men prefer a civil marriage, and avoid formal marriage. But women who participated in the same study reported that civil marriage does not give them full confidence in the future, in the future of children, and also almost completely deprives them of happiness, because women become completely happy only in officially registered marriage. Interesting results are also shown by socio-demographic surveys, as a result of which it turns out that married women are significantly larger than married men. It turns out that a woman considers herself married even when living in a civil marriage, but the man in this case considers himself completely free. How to keep?
And how to keep a man who considers himself nothing and not connected with anyone? While he is comfortable and comfortable, he will live in such a half-family, but as soon as it seems to him that he can get something more suitable in another place and in another company, he immediately rushes to catch the next bird of luck. But will he catch it? So the chances of walking "back and forth" are very high. Reason number 3 - Unwillingness to take responsibility.
Yes, it happens: a young man thinks that he must support the family and provide the child, but for this it is necessary to have a dwelling, a permanent job and preferably something else in the style of the opportunity to earn money, or cars, or dachas, something else that will make the family life more comfortable. Therefore, a young man can tell about his unpreparedness to family life decisively and honestly. However, as a rule, there are fewer doubts about civil marriages: first, there are fewer children in civil marriages, and secondly, in a civil marriage everyone, like, in itself, in the sense that asking for something -it there at the mother is quite permissible and even normal, and also there are third, fourthly and further on the list. How to keep?
Well, how can I hold it? Only the only way is to promise that you will always be together, that any woman is fully capable of coping with galloping horses, and burning huts, and at the same time with a heap of other problems. Of course, no one disputes that it is better to do everything in the family together and everything should be discussed, and in any matter the responsibility should be taken by the one who really will better cope ... However, what have the persuasions and consolations of an adult (!) Man? Attention! Information for consideration! Statistics show that the cause of divorce in 29% of cases are money problems, including low incomes of the spouse. Reason number 4 - Unsuccessful marriage in the past.
Unfortunately, the statistics of divorces, which had not been particularly happy before, is now becoming more and more sad - a huge number of marriages break up, most of them falling apart in the first year of family life. Of course, this can say a lot, but in our case it should be taken into account that a man who already has a marriage experience, this experience can be extremely negative. What happened in the first marriage? Hurried? Really did not get along with the characters? Someone betrayed someone? Did the "well-wishers" and "advisers" interfere? Now it does not matter at all, because the broken marriage in any case left a heavy imprint on both the soul and the person's personality, no matter how this person did not brave and did not try to look quite happy and prosperous. As doctors say, anamnesis does not please ... How to keep?
If this man seems to be the pinnacle of perfection and the crown of creation, he will have to revive his feelings, his kind attitude to life, his self-esteem, his trust in people ... In a word, he will have something to do. In addition, from time to time will have to listen to memories of the "former", and, believe me, not only negative. Reason number 5 - Indecision
. Yes, imagine what happens! A young man simply can not muster up courage and make an offer - he is embarrassed! The guy may well be afraid to get a negative answer, that is, refusal, and therefore tries to avoid unpleasant emotions and to protect himself from the problem. If the girl was dreaming about exactly such a "prince", then she could easily get it. True, most likely, the stamp in the passport will not make the elect a more determined, or more responsible. Do you need this? Take it! As the experience of many generations shows, it is not necessary to specifically hold the citizen hesitantly - and, in fact, he simply waits for someone to make a decision for him, so that later, in case of what, one could honestly say: "What am I? I'm nothing! And it's not me! ". If someone wants to get "nothing", then special problems with this are not expected. How to keep?
If a citizen who is needed for a happy family life is simply very indecisive, that is, he does not know how, can not and does not want to make decisions, even those that touch his personal life, he simply has to make that decision for him. "Darling, you can not live without me? So we're getting married ?! Ran to your parents - I will tell them this news! ". Most likely, that the parents will be happy, because they give the indecisive "treasure" to resolute and reliable hands. And here in this place it is possible to accept sincere congratulations: there will never be gifts, there will never be joint trips, there will never be pleasant surprises, and there will not be much else either - with determination, then the problem ... Reason number 6 - And if this is not love, but I'm already getting married?
As practice shows, backed up by sociological surveys, nothing human men are foreign and they often dream of marrying for love. But how to explain to the girl that he, the poor guy, loves her wholeheartedly, but ... But suddenly wrong? But if right now the trolleybus will fly out exactly that heavenly creature, which is intended for him? No, of course, he also very, very, very, very fond of his girlfriend ... That's just, well, what if? It will be wrong! And to change so coolly your life is only necessary for sure that no divorce, that no abandoned children ... So for now, wait! How to keep?
But you can not hold it! Unless it is necessary to resort to frank blackmail and threats: either we formulate our relations, or everyone builds the blossoming life in own way. Strangely enough, it is in such cases that such a "power method" is quite effective. But there is a risk at any moment to hear the saga about who and who married and how everything turned, if ... In a word, again, entertainment is not for the faint-hearted.
About the role of mother
Of course, there can be many reasons why a young or not-so-young person is not in a hurry to register a relationship, however, as practice shows, these reasons are not always understandable and really objective.
To my great regret, in very many cases, the infantile nature of men in the matter of marriage was simply a gigantic influence exerted by a mother who could not (or did not find it necessary and possible) to raise a real man who is not afraid of difficulties, knows how to respond to any challenges, is always ready to take responsibility and can really become a wonderful spouse and a terrific father - the support and hope of all families, but the infantile, spiritually lazy, irresolute being of a male, even if it is talented in something and is able to achieve something in life (for example, in the profession).
So mothers, dear ones, beloved, bring up real men, remembering that a man hardly looks like a wordless down pillow or something no less silent. Education of a full-fledged man very much depends on the mother.
A few more words about the prospects of marriage
In search of an answer to the question of why a man is not in a hurry to make a proposal, we have to again and again turn to statistical data, since the statistics are impartial, unemotional, incorruptible and inexorable. So, the statistics show that the maximum chances of marriage exist in the first six months of intimate communication. If, during these six months, there was no mention of any marriage, the chances of getting the treasured ring on the ring finger begin to fall sharply. Meetings continue for another six months and last for a year already? Well, this constancy can be commendable, but the chances of getting married for this man fall to 30%. If civil marriage or intimate meetings continue for a long time and last for years, then after three years of such a relationship, only one in ten women have chances to marry their civil partner. But in fact civil marriages happen also more long! Undoubtedly, there are civil marriages in which not only children have grown up, but also grandchildren have long left the garden age. However, the marriage remained civil - marriage did not take place. Statistics inexorably reports that if a civil marriage lasts more than five years, the chances of turning this marriage into an official practically fall to zero.
Attention! According to statistics, during the first year of close acquaintance 70% of official marriages are concluded.
Probably, it is worth recalling that the vast majority of men who live in so-called civil marriages, consider themselves free, including open to new relationships. But women in the same situation consider themselves bound by the obligations and conduct the way of life of a married lady with all the ensuing consequences in the form of laundering, ironing, cleaning, cooking, gifts of conditional mother-in-law, cooking jam and God knows what else - they hope that they will be appreciated and still they will call to the crown. Of course, civil marriages have already largely leveled with official ones, and somehow they try to settle issues of heredity, but the advantage will always remain for official marriage, which is recognized by the state.
But how can we make sure that the man, who was entrusted with so many hopes and with whom so many joint plans was built, is not going to go anywhere beyond the nearest bowling club or shopping mall? And the proposal can be followed by a meal, washing its sports form, eating a diet or something like that, and the words "wedding" in the list will not be offered.
Perhaps, the lover, whom the woman regards as a real candidate for the position of husband, does not even think of family ties? What signs will allow, if you do not see this, then at least prick up and start looking more closely and thinking more often? Feature 1.
Plans to get married can be put under a very fat question mark, if a man in every way avoids any obligations. And it's not just about relationships in a couple, but also about relationships with friends and friends. However, friends, as a rule, here it is not observed - more and more partners on hobbies and entertainments. No less serious warning can be drawn from the fact that the relationship with parents is extremely formal and very detached. In all respects it is clear that this person is very exerting any obligations and does not please at all, therefore he tries in every possible way to avoid them. A family and marriage are mutual obligations, and nothing else. Tag number 2.
If a potential candidate for husbands in every way avoids attachment, and any affection, then, most likely, marriage is not included in his immediate plans. Such a man will offer meetings in a neutral territory, but not at home, will shy away from any heart-to-heart talk, from attempts to help and from anything that can somehow bring them closer. Except for the bed, of course. But that's all. And the bed, as you know, is not always even a sufficient reason for acquaintance, so here it's time to talk about marriage. Tag number 3.
Do not harbor hopes for an imminent wedding, if the man you propose to your husbands, recently divorced, especially if the break and divorce were difficult. Treason, deception, betrayal - little that could happen, but in any case it is very unlikely that a man is ready for a new serious relationship right now and most of all he dreams of a new marriage. According to psychological research, a man needs at least four years to move away from a previous marriage and decide on a new one. Symptom No. 4.
Sometimes women manage to fall in love with the so-called "Don Juan" and even hope to marry him. What can you say: blessed, who believes! Men of this type love to be conquerors, winners and hunters. At the stage of courtship, such a man is irresistible and invincible, his hormones demand victory and he is constantly in a tone - straight lion on a hunt in the wild savannah. But when the victory is achieved and the former goal is already peacefully cooking exotic soups from seafood, interest is dying, because hormones require new hunting and new conquered and beaten beauties on the beach ... What can you do, it's difficult to argue with hormones, but tolerate constant "walks on the March roof" will agree far from each. And if on the way to the wedding falls precisely the hunter-Don Juan, you can not lose vigilance in any case. Tag number 5.
Sometimes fate can play a cruel joke and introduce the eternal wanderer, who is in eternal search. Well, how can he marry if there is so much interesting, beautiful, misunderstood, open to communication around? Such a sociable wanderer is full of girlfriends, friends, mistresses, admirers, who change places from time to time and take in their ranks new friends for misfortune. Because women are nevertheless prone to marriage, and not at all to easy, although to interesting relationships. Symptom No. 6.
Most likely, we should not rely on the wedding cortege with ourselves in the main role, if the candidate for husbands constantly finds in the future spouse some shortcomings, inaccuracies, oversights ... The person has an ideal, and the person strives for this ideal. He knows what an ideal woman should be, to whom he will give his heart and with which he will be through. So is it possible to blame him, that an ideal is so unattainable, and to be exchanged for trifles is to ditch your karma. The most reasonable in this situation is to save your karma, because it is impossible to hold up to the ideal a priori, because perfection simply does not exist. Let him look ... Symptom 7.
If for a short time a woman (of any age) learned absolutely everything about her shortcomings, then it is highly doubtful that marriage is shining here, and not a huge scandal for parting. After all, everyone knows that lovers do not notice not only the hours, but also the shortcomings, and if the shortcomings are not so much sought out, but also compiled right on the run, then love there certainly did not live and could not live. This citizen is just practicing the wording of nasty things ... But why should you marry such a woman? Symptom 8.
It is very doubtful if the wedding is in the case when the lovers allegedly live their lives by themselves - their friends, their plans, their parties, their holidays. With his parents, sister and cat Trishka, he introduces only in photos and even chooses a birthday gift for Mom himself, and goes there himself ... This person absolutely demonstratively wants to remain free, not attached to anything and to no one. Oh, there will not be a wedding here, not a month or two.
Four reasons why men get married?
In fact, the reasons, of course, are not four - there are far more of them. But these are the most common:
- Love - the first and main reason for marriage. A man does not imagine life without this woman, and has absolutely nothing to do, because a man in love can turn mountains for his beloved, get a star from the sky, work in two shifts, set a world record, write great music, design a rocket, wash the stove in the kitchen and the floor in the corridor - anything, if only his beloved was nearby and looked at him with eyes filled with love, tenderness and ecstasy.
- It's time to get married Is also a common cause. Even hunters and Don Juan sooner or later come to the conclusion that it would not hurt to acquire offspring, it would be nice to spend evenings quieter and more relaxed, and friends somehow almost unnoticed almost all were married - on the day off there is not even anyone to chat with, because at all that children, summer residences. Well, such husbands are also needed by someone, and this is not always an unsuitable option.
- Pregnancy partner - quite a frequent reason for the wedding and formal registration of family relations. However, this reason can not be considered the best: who can be sure, then this wedding was still part of the male plans? It is possible that one day one will have to hear that this marriage was a self-sacrifice, a favor and some other incredible feat. And whether such a wedding is necessary? Moreover, a modern young woman will be able to cope with a child without "lingering" heroic deeds.
- Material or social benefits can also be a very effective reason for going to the registry office. True, then such a wedding is more like a slave trade or a business contract, however, someone also likes such options. By the way, sociologists say that marriages for the calculation are much stronger and more stable than any others, including marriages for great and unearthly love.
Interesting! In some European countries the ancient marriage tradition is still alive: on February 29, that is, once in four years and only one day, any woman can invite any man to marry her, and a man has no right to refuse.
conclusions Why is the man in no hurry to make an offer? Probably, the time has not yet come, probably, has not yet matured, probably, has not yet decided on the choice, probably did not depart from the previous grievances ... And how many women need a husband who has everything "probably" and all "more", and more and resentment accumulate? Unfortunately, civilization changes not only the landscape and the weather, but also people, and add the efforts of many mothers who really, really, actually experience for their beloved little sons and at the same time manage to spoil their lives, and spoil it qualitatively, thoroughly and for many years, if not forever. Other mothers do everything to ensure that their sons are strong, determined, responsible, independent ... But the next generation of men will depend on those girls who are reflecting today, how to get married, how to create a family, how to give birth to a baby. And it's because of how successful marriage will be, how trustworthy, open and sincere will be the relations in the family, how happy, independent, self-confident and independent the son will grow, will depend a lot for all mankind. So love everyone, desire and desire to understand each other, the ability to forgive and the whiteest pigeons in the blueest sky, the most sonorous nightingales who will sing their best songs to the lovers, and also the fastest and strongest storks that will be brought to the house in due time beautiful and cute smile with tiny sponges pink or blue curl.