Psychology and Relationships
How to curb jealousy?
Between loving people, jealousy sometimes breaks out. This is a normal and natural feeling, and in small doses, perhaps even a tonic relationship. But for a long time to make jealousy in a relationship is difficult, and both sides - it is too nervous and angry. Especially these emotional "swings" are not for the benefit of pregnant women. It is possible and necessary to reduce the intensity of passions - the main thing is to find the right way for yourself.
Svetlana Ievleva Psychologist, Ulyanovsk
Jealousy often accompanies love, but this does not mean that it necessarily stems from it. After all, love involves accepting a partner, trusting him. And jealousy, on the contrary, rather, makes it clear that a person is losing fear of losing someone who is very dear to him, and uncertainty about his reliability.
At the same time, no one is immune to the appearance of jealousy in a relationship, so it is important to understand the true causes of your jealousy in time and find ways to deal with it so that it does not harm family relationships.
Ground for jealousy
Jealousy is associated with experiencing resentment, resentment, helplessness and other unpleasant emotions. The set is painful and unnecessary to anyone. However, to cope with jealousy with the help of banal autosuggestions from the series "but it is necessary to me?" Is difficult, because this phenomenon has deep roots.
It is not customary to talk about jealousy in a relationship. It refers to emotions socially undesirable - such, about which they do not speak openly. We can easily say about bad mood, resentment, anger and even guilt. But to admit to jealousy like this at once, very few people will. Even those who understand and do not hide the presence of jealousy as character traits will rather say: "Yes, I'm jealous, but, of course, only if there is an excuse. And the fact that you are talking with a friend for an hour - no, it does not cause any jealousy. It just makes me angry! "
We were brought up like this. When a child takes offense at inattention, lack of warmth, is jealous that other children get more, then he hears from his parents: "Why are you capricious! I must understand that we still love you. " And the child is no longer capricious. Do not complain "you love me less", do not ask to be hugged, ironed.
He understands that jealousy is bad, ugly, that if something arises, it means that he is to blame and immediately it is necessary to improve.
And what do we get as a result? Suppression. This is the most frequent reaction. Man and apparently behave as if everything is in order, and he convinces himself of this. Of course, this condition does not pass without a trace to the body - the tension manifests itself either by the deterioration of the general state of health, or by aggressiveness.
Pregnant women due to hormonal changes in the body and physical changes tend to take everything to heart. The future mother is able for a long time to accumulate suspicions (often far-fetched!), And then in a second throw everything out on the spouse, who can also react emotionally. And jealousy often arises not only to potential "rivals", but also to friends, colleagues, work, hobbies of her husband ... Actually, to everything that surrounds him and what happens without her, his wife, participation. The reasons for the outbreak of this feeling can be many, however, their true causes are usually not considered.
We will analyze several typical reasons for jealousy.
Reason number 1. Jealousy to the relatives of her husband
I have always been normal to the fact that the husband is very attached to the parent family, often visits the mother and father (they live near us). But now, when I'm pregnant at the 6th month, I want more of his personal attention. And he "runs" to my mother for half an hour, and returns in the late evening! Although Sergei takes care of me (he took over the purchases in the store, he hangs his clothes after washing, etc.), but that's not quite right. I dream of sitting next to you, chatting or watching TV ... The last straw was the arrival of his cousin from Novosibirsk. And that's what he blurted out: "Irishka comes. So cool, so we understand each other. As a child, they thought that if it were not for family ties, they would marry directly. " Then, the truth, he said that he was joking, but the evening was completely spoiled ...
Alina, 26 years old
In personal relationships, each person hopes for exclusivity. She wants to feel not good among equals, but the best, the only one. But everyone has their own ideas about how to divide attention and time between the closest people. They come from childhood, from the experience of parents and other important adults, from the way of life.
Jealousy arises if these views are significantly different. When you are completely focused on the partner, and he says: "Are you, they are my friends. I have been with them since childhood, we are a team ". Or: "Mom's problems will always be for me in the first place". Suffer and suffer in this situation can be a lifetime. Family, friends will not go anywhere. What to do to reduce the degree of your own jealousy?
Voice your desires. A husband is not a psychic to read your thoughts. Maybe he does not even know how important it is for you to sit in the evening with the TV together with him and discuss the past day. So do not let things slide and talk about what you want.
Mirror behavior. This is the name of a very effective psychological device. Instead of reproaches that the husband is heartless and you are not interested, agree: "Yes, I agree. And I will give everything for my parents. At the person anybody is more important does not happen. Or about the arrival of the notorious Irishka: "Oh, as I understand you, I also have a second cousin in Yaroslavl. We are just like two halves of one whole. Without words they understood each other. Even not enough of it a bit. Perhaps today we will call you - you will still be busy again. " This behavior removes your tension (you say - there is an emotional discharge), does not allow the development of a quarrel and, most importantly, switches the partner's attention to you. It's so easy to behave like you, allow yourself those who realize that his role in the life of another person is exceptional.
Reason number 2. Jealousy towards other women
I do not like that my husband is too gracious with other women. Recently went with Oleg to the institution about the documents, and he was so disgustingly cooing with the girl - they say, "a girl, what a pleasant voice you have, you do not look like a passport employee." And he smiled so fondly. Right offended - he compliments for a long time did not speak. Of course, I recovered by 10 kilograms because of pregnancy! The certificate that we came to was given to us the fastest of all, because of his advances, probably. And when I hinted to Oleg that husbands do not behave themselves that way, he shouted: "Can not you tell politeness of sexual intentions?" In general, they quarreled ... And what if I feel that my husband likes other women and himself to them not indifferent?
Елена, 31 years old
The attention of a partner to an extraneous woman usually does not cause joy in his second half. Especially sharply on it pregnant women react, at which by virtue of changes in appearance the self-estimation was weakened. In addition, even realizing the intention of the husband's compliments to the other, most women perceive them tense. After all, compliments, flirting - it's still a certain sign "like you." And men are jealous of other women. Irritation is caused by the very proprietary mood of the wife, and distrust of them. What should I do in this situation?
Flirt itself. In the broadest sense of the word. Pay attention to other people, be interested in them. Not only in relation to men and not necessarily directly. When you tell a partner about an actor (or a common acquaintance): "As he turns out to be a beard, he is so courageous" - this is also a kind of flirtation, a game. Its use in a permanent relationship is obvious. You remain for the partner a person who is sociable, active, and interested in others. So, for them it will always be interesting.
Increase self-esteem. Try to use jealousy as an incentive for self-improvement. You need to re-like yourself, so as not to take the husband's attention to other women's attention so sharply. You can find time for a hairdresser and spa treatments, purchase beautiful underwear and fashionable clothes for future moms. Learn to pamper yourself, and to others to be lenient. Save the figure and find emotional balance will help classes in the pool and yoga for pregnant women. For sure, your husband will appreciate such changes, and you will become better at treating yourself when you learn about your own potential.
Reason number 3. Jealousy to his mistress
I definitely lose my temper when my husband comes in the evening. Phone is short there trens. And my husband convinces me that this is from work. But I feel that he has changed. Not so interested in our affairs, our future child, me ... And he does not care that I should not worry about my situation. Always was a supporter of the fact that you can not look at someone else's letters, rummage through the phone. But now I have no other choice. It is very difficult to be ignorant when everything is not so.
Victoria, 27 years old
Alas, sometimes suspicions are not unfounded, and this is the most dramatic case. Is it worth it to look for evidence? Yes, if you feel that the unknown acts destructively, drives you into a dead end, hurts physically, and you need to let the bitter but the truth. No - if you are inclined to the position "less you know - you are stronger than you sleep" and are able to think positively in such a situation ("Whatever it is, and our family will always mean much more to her husband"). In addition, it is useful:
Play mentally a negative scenario. The desire to "keep the brand" of a happy pregnant woman and cling to the phrase "I should think only about good" in a dubious situation still does not work at the moment. Think of a bad version of the development of events, lose it in separate pictures relating to both the emotional aspects of the relationship (how to behave in this or that case, what to say), and purely practical (whether it is worth parting, how to divide property, apartment, if you do ). Readiness makes a person stronger and calmer.
Sincerely, but unobtrusively interested in her husband. Talk more with each other, spend time, do things that interest both. Men suffer when the family turns into a household partnership. The position of the woman "We will have a baby soon, but you, you see, do not have enough attention!" Is fatal. Make it clear that the husband is loved and interesting as before, and not just as a father.
Watch together the movie "in the subject". There are a lot of films with such a plot (for example, "The Elder Sister", "The Man in High Fidelity", etc.). The hero starts an affair on the side, thinking that everything is easy, and then loses the most important for himself and understands it too late. Family values in the modern world remain increasingly difficult. It is simply ridiculous to say, to convince, how important it is to be faithful, when ease and ease of relations become ideal for many. But men initially, by nature, are able to distinguish between love and love and appreciate the family, regardless of their polygamous aspirations. True, they do not always think about it. The power of art is capable of directing thoughts in the right direction.
Reason number 4. Jealousy from scratch
My friend's father left the family after thirty years of living together. It turns out that he had all this time had another wife and even children! My parents are happy, me too. But now, from time to time, such fantasies appear in my head. I'm walking with the baby in the stroller. And suddenly I see my husband in the distance. He also comes with a stroller, there is also a child. I catch up with him and ask: "How?" You're on a business trip? "And then he's telling everything ... In general, I'm just screwing myself up with nothing. And there seems to be no reason for jealousy husband does not. And what if he is just so well "encrypted"? And one day it turns out that he is not that perfect ...
Albina, 29 years old
Imagination is very helpful. You can write a lot of things. And some women generally ask their husbands directly: "Do you like my girlfriend? And you would like to be with her ... "That is, in fact, they push the husband to something that he, possibly, never even thought about. Why does a woman need this? Yes, just so, your nerves tickle yourself, make a "pepper" in the fresh life. Imagine how she proudly leaves and never-never allows a man to communicate with a child, and then he grows up and becomes famous. Sometimes the reason for such a "stormy" imagination, most likely, lies in the unresolved psychological problems of women. She does not feel her own worth, her need for recognition is not satisfied, she suffers from a lack of basic warmth, wants people to think more about her. What can I do?
Elimination of dependence. During pregnancy, a woman often departs from her former interests and unnecessarily immerses herself in her husband's life.
She has a lot of free time (in connection with the decree) to worry about that the spouse is out of the house "somewhere, with someone" ... To less to imagine problems, we need to act more. Having occupied your day with planning a repair or distance learning, or mastering an exciting culinary recipe, you will feel at work. And when the husband comes, you will be delighted with his return, you will want to share with him your news and listen to him.
Consultation of a psychologist. Jealousy towards a man is not always an indicator that there are problems in dealing with him. Sometimes it shows that there are problems in dealing with the world in general. Perhaps you have too high requirements, selfishness, suspicion, rancor. Subjectively, these feelings are not painful, like jealousy, so they are not seen. But without work on them, jealousy, too, will not go anywhere. It is necessary to find out what you really lack in life. Think, read, talk with those who understand these issues professionally. It is important that all negative emotions get a way out, and not accumulate.
Jealousy in the relationship limits the freedom of both spouses, as it imposes control over one and captures the feelings of the other. Do not put up with this unpleasant feeling, it is better to learn to build relationships on trust and freedom of choice than on coercion and mistrust.
If the wave of jealousy has "covered" you, you should pay it off immediately. This will help simple rules.
- Recognize your emotions. It is necessary to accept as fact that you are jealous. Try to "watch" it, understand what it consists of: fear, impotence, anger, envy ... Conscious, named emotions lose some of their power over a person.
- Let yourself be imperfect. In other words, allow yourself to be a little jealous - why not, you're a living person. But not more than 5 minutes a day (directly record the time and commit jealousy in this period). This restriction is ridiculous in itself and certainly weakens negative emotions. And then, perhaps, there will come a realization that the reason for jealousy was insignificant.
- Tell me about your feelings to your husband. It is advisable to do this not evil, but rather neutral (say, "So, you again are in the center of attention, and I seem to be jealous of you to saleswomen and other staff"). And it will become easier for you, because expressing your emotions, you will immediately hear a response and will not conceal a bitter suspicion.