Three boys: the main terms of the truce

When there are many boys in the family, the house is not necessarily filled with screams and fights. The mother of three sons (and one daughter) shares her experience of peaceful conflict resolution.

Boys ... Every time people find out that I have three sons, they immediately comment on the situation: there are probably a lot of fighting. I do not understand why if there are boys in the family, they must definitely fight. Because the competition and because in each of them there lives a small warrior hunter, who needs to rush around the planet, waving an invisible spear and smashing any male person? This is all from an evolutionary point of view in a similar way, but it seems to me that already other values ​​are led by men (let's say, the most brainwashed, advanced and, therefore, the most successful).

Many intelligent men, do not participate in the war, but build a business and develop the economy. I am sure that a purely aggressive way to "dump an opponent", "to bend him under him" and neutralize gradually is a thing of the past. Yes, many use this to this day and will continue to use it for a long time, but the stories of the most successful and richest men of this world are much more often told not about macho with kulaks, but about clever "botanists", quiet and invisible, who then - time! - and become billionaires. For me, these are links in one chain: the relationship of boys in childhood and their success in the future. Conflicts between the boys, I was afraid at first. When I realized that conflict is just a clash of interests and children need to learn how to properly get out of them, it has become easier.

I immediately rejected the way out of the conflict with the help of a fight. I explained that the most steep and advanced masters of kung fu say that the best fight is one that was avoided. Moreover, they add that the real warrior, who by birth are all boys, the sword is always in sheath. The children then watched "Star Wars" and "Harry Potter", and it was easy for them to explain the advantages of the Light Side over the Dark. Evil wizards, adherents of the Dark Side, as a rule, attract allies to their side, because they have access to all forbidden and attractive methods of struggle. They initially "encourage" everyone: "Do not be a whiner, take power in your hands, destroy the offender, here's your weapon!" Light forces, on the contrary, are often limited in their instruments. In "Harry Potter", for example, there are three forbidden spells, which are used only by evil wizards. All of them are connected with violence in physical or psychological form. The Jedi, by the way, are forbidden to study and use the Dark Side of Power, although it attracts with its power and destructiveness. It would seem, why not take advantage of its power and not destroy all the "bad" at once? I explained to the boys from childhood that violence only breeds violence and nothing more. If you can solve the matter by talking, it's better to use it. Of course, if you are beaten, then it will be stupid to stand and try to solve everything peacefully. You are given fists and common sense to protect yourself from attack. But first you yourself can try to prevent any attack. And this is true skill, true magic and Jedi. For my sons who wanted to be like the Jedi, that was a good example.

Then we learned not only to correctly exit conflicts, but also try not to enter into them, solving all problems before the scandal and assault. And this is possible only if, from an early age, it is taught them to analyze the situation and to realize that there are you and another person. And you both have your own interests. I often acted in such controversial situations as an honest, unbiased arbiter who reads out to everyone right: "The situation has developed with you two, which means that both of you have done so that this dispute has turned out. Now let's deal with it. I'm ready to listen to both sides without mutual insults ... "And pay attention, you do not need to blame anyone for the conflict or get upset because it happened. Teach your child the right attitude to the clashes: "You see, you want to play this machine and the boy also liked it. How can we agree with him? Fighting and taking away simply is unprofitable, because, firstly, it can be painful: there is always a chance that the boy will be stronger, and secondly, because you will end up spending your time on taking the machine away, rather than playing with it " . Prove to the child that it is simply unprofitable and inefficient to conflict.

Recently talked with my middle son, that it's just short-sighted - to use force to explain something. A man does not cease to be a man, if he resolves the conflict in a kind way. He even becomes stronger. We talked about the fact that the use of force in upbringing and in conflict resolution is simply impossible and unacceptable and, most importantly, irrational! It brings nothing but resentment, generates nothing but grief and a new wave of violence, only from the child's side to other people. This genius was told in the cartoon "Monsters' Corporation": the whole town of monsters eats energy of fear, but at the end of long and very interesting adventures it turns out that the energy of laughter is much more powerful, safe and bloodless. Then the son himself made a parallel: if you "eat" at the expense of the energy of pain and sorrow, you will always have to look for a new victim, you need to fight and fight all the time, and if you "eat" positive energy, it is much more difficult for you to achieve this, but the result exceeds expectations! Not the number of defeated rivals ultimately matters, but the number of rivals who have become real friends. Which will help you to fly to the very tops of business, life, career.

Now, when I hear that the boys are starting to argue and the tone rises, I know that after some time I will certainly hear someone's judicious (even slightly heated) voice: "Guys, let's discuss. It seems that I did not explain to you what I was waiting for, but you started to press me very sharply "... And when I understand that a constructive dialogue has begun, my mother's heart is setting itself a top five!

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