The appearance of the child: how to talk about it?

Adult sensible people will never allow themselves to criticize the appearance of the child - neither their own nor that of another. They will not allow you to do this explicitly - that is, they will not say, for example: "You are ugly." But the hidden criticism is very often met. It looks harmless, but its meaning and impact do not change at all. Not important. But…

"All children are perfect, beautiful. How can you compare them? "Saying that, we are very crafty. In fact, appearance is evaluated, and compared, and criticized. In discussions, the child is given, one way or another, a characteristic. "Normal", "awkward", "interesting", "just lovely" ... Psychologists believe that such an attitude is inherent in the collective unconscious since the birth of mankind. The society had to monitor the appearance of new people in time to understand that there are problems - for example, the consequences of incest or illness. And put everyone a "plus" (and then take) or "cons" (and then isolate). It is difficult for people of civilized society to admit this, but nevertheless, our attitude to children, their communication with them, are influenced by the quality of their appearance. Even more than to communicate with adults. Impression of the external qualities of an adult is always corrected by personal characteristics: the presence or absence of a sense of humor, the peculiarity of thinking, speech, attractive or repulsive qualities of character. Children in this respect are not so different from each other: personal characteristics, cognitive abilities only develop, in communication are weaker - due to this appearance appears to be a factor in the attitude to one or another child more important. We pay more attention to outwardly attractive children - more often we notice, we are more willing to say compliments, we ask questions, we encourage their intention to communicate with us. Social psychologists, conducting an experiment, have revealed that educators look at beautiful children a little longer than at all others, they are more willing to turn to them and help them. Moreover, outwardly attractive children we tend to endow with positive qualities, even without knowing how things stand in reality. If several preschoolers quarrel, fight, then an adult who decides to end the conflict will scold those who in this group can be considered "ordinary" by external data. A child is beautiful in this situation, rather, they will not notice - he does not really want to scold him. The appearance of our children is even more important for us, because it is partly ours. Although here everything, of course, is more complicated. In addition to physical data, the importance is how we perceive the child. There are a lot of factors. Whether the child desired, whether the sex that they wanted, is like us, are there any traits of loved ones and, conversely, those to whom we are not particularly supportive. All this forms a general picture of appearance. On this depends, we think the child is attractive, charming, sweet, or we have doubts and discontent about this. And - as we tell him about it.

ALL CONCERNS! ... Both girls and boys. With age, the majority of men think less about their appearance, are not so sensitive to criticism in their address, paying more attention to other significant qualities. However, as a child, the criticism acts in almost the same way as on girls. Three, five, seven years are important stages in the formation of social interaction, the qualities of communication. And the primary perception is based on appearance. Criticizing, adults form complexes, they make it clear: "You are not so good as to communicate with you." The child after this will not avoid communication at all, but the desire to stay a little aloof, not to be in the spotlight, he will most likely appear. Moreover, criticism can be indirect. For example, in discussions among themselves, when adults say: "And he seems to be in your grandfather. Growth did not come out ... "Just tips

"Stand up exactly, what are you screaming at your feet? Do not comb your hair - your face turns round. Look at yourself in the mirror before eating pies ... "So my friend communicates with her six-year-old daughter. Even I listen hard, but what is the child like? The poor girl no longer knows how to stand up and sit down - constant remarks. The girlfriend explains it by caring. "Who else will tell her the truth and teach her how to behave in order to make a good impression?" But, in my opinion, it's wrong - so to fix from childhood on the exterior. The girl is cute, of normal build. And these constant comments, of course, will spoil her self-esteem. Moreover, the presence of other people does not bother the girlfriend. "It's just advice. Grow up - thanks will say. " Anna, Claudia's mother, 5 years old

For a lot of comments there is a lack of love. The child does not cause warm feelings, sincere affection, but parents find it difficult to admit to themselves and, of course, it is impossible to tell others. "He irritates me with all his appearance" - a phrase that immediately puts a person at the very end of the list of bad parents. Therefore, something acceptable, at least a little justified, is chosen. "I strictly conduct myself with him, I always control and advise him to become a good person, he knew how to behave." The child is distorted not only by self-esteem, but also by traits of character. There is isolation, depression, uncertainty, social fears. All life there is a low level of claims both in private life, and in the professional. Having realized the reasons, a person later is able to adjust self-esteem himself, but it does not always go smoothly and requires a lot of effort. Of course, parents can prevent this. If they understand themselves, understand their attitude to the child, they will accept it, as it is. Own immaturity, forced birth, adverse changes associated with the appearance of the child - the reasons for lack of love are many. It's always a drama. But you can perceive emotional communication as a necessary part of caring, leaving. Let the tenderness be not so tender - such a simulated love, when it comes to parents and children, it's still better than no. Moreover, over time, the attitude towards the child can change, and then adults are very sorry for the time lost.

It's kind of a compliment ...

For very young children there is such a kind of nicknames: objectively not very pleasant, but for specific people, families are acceptable. A girl of two or three years does not take offense at the fact that her name is Lopouska. Firstly, it always sounds affectionately, and secondly, to compare the size of the ears, to think about what they should be ideal, at this age is completely irrelevant. However, with the expansion of the circle of communication and general ideas about the world, the concepts of external beauty become more clear and detailed. To hear "Lopushka" at the age of five or six years (and even more so later) the girl does not want at all - no matter how tender a voice this is pronounced. But the parents of this do not notice. On the contrary, they emphasize the fact that for them the shortcoming is obvious, while affirming that you like us.

"My parents called me Puzishko (just like that, in the middle genus) or Sharik and in every possible way discussed this my feature of the figure - a noticeable stomach. No, they loved me, they did a lot of work, even, I think, they were proud - I studied well, played the piano. But as soon as I talked about appearance, I somehow heard about all my shortcomings (plus to my stomach - a small foot ("Thumbelina") and shifted eyebrows ("Buka"). It just made me angry. feeling that everyone is watching - and laughing - at school, and then for a long time was shy. "When I left my parents, I was surprised to find that most of the" shortcomings "were just a fantasy, but I still did sports to improve my posture, And here's the thought: why did the parents behave like this? They never said that they needed a but they acted just the opposite: for example, they put a lot of food on my plate, bought cakes, and then they said: "You're funny when you eat, you're our ball!" Now I have two daughters: They are very similar to me and - the most beautiful, I never criticize their appearance, and I do not allow anyone, I remember how unpleasant it is. "Egor, Pope Elizabeth, 7 years old, and Maria, 4 years old

Strong love is the cause of criticism, if combined with a sense of ownership and fear of losing its status as the only important people in the life of the child. "Yes, you are not perfect, we see all your problems. But we love you anyway. No one else will love you like that. " Approximately this is the meaning of offensive, affectionate nicknames ("we can, we are the same"). In the minds of parents after the child there is no "growth" in the treatment with him. The quality of children continues to be welcomed, and adults are perceived negatively. Appearance this applies in the first place - it is more noticeable. Sometimes parents even understand that they lower their self-esteem, but ... this is also their goal. To protect against anything that can hurt later. Rather, that did not think to go to where you can get hurt. Children in this situation often remain infantile, do not seek to grow. Even outwardly and in the habits of preserving the features of the child. The sooner parents understand that the goal of education is independence, the easier it will be for them to change their behavior, to follow the needs of children. Encourage adulthood in all manifestations, make real compliments of appearance. And no Sharikov!

Theme for jokes

There are people who find it difficult to talk about appearance openly and seriously. They either generally ignore this topic, or try to joke, or demonstrate slight disdain. And in relation to the closest, including to their own children, this manifests itself to the greatest extent. "I'm beautiful in this dress?" - "Yes, just Christmas tree." Forecasts for the future, comparisons, compliments - everything seems to be positive, but it does not sound serious. From this it loses its role: no support, no help in developing a sense of self-worth, no confidence from all these jokes is obtained. In addition, in the future, positive relations with one's own body are not formed, there is no understanding of one's needs and feelings of bodily pleasure. As in childhood adults avoided this topic, so now the person himself does not want to look at himself in the mirror, is embarrassed when he has to undress, does not like to choose clothes. So compliments (real) are important - since birth. "What eyes, what ears, what legs" - this requires a baby, a preschooler, and ... a person at any age. A detailed "analysis" of the qualities of appearance, the selection of what is particularly beautiful, is necessary for self-acceptance.

"In our family, in terms of appearance, there was some kind of restraint. Mom in response to the compliment has always been justified: "Yes, just with wet hair fell asleep - so magnificent therefore." In relation to me - the same thing. If you saw me looking in the mirror, I always discussed it with each other, laughed ("Not the princess - the princess"). Or, for example, I ask: "A beautiful barrette I have on my head?" In response, it's necessarily something like: "It's better to show what's in your head. Did you learn the rhyme? "Oddly enough, now I also avoid talking something good about appearance. When in the kindergarten on the matinee someone's mother said: "What a beautiful dress Stesha, so goes blue to dark hair," I replied: "Found in my old things." Why not say: "Yes, thank you, very nice"? After all, I wanted in my childhood that my mother would say so. " Marina, Stella's mother, 4 years old

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