Life: who will help a young mother?
We all divide in half
During pregnancy a woman has new worries. And the usual domestic issues often require a new approach that takes into account the "special position" of the future mother.
Maria Konovalova Psychologist, Yakhroma
With the birth of a baby in the life of the family there are significant changes. And if a young mother is usually ready for this, then for the pope the emergence of new duties often becomes a surprise. But misunderstandings can be avoided if you hold a "preparatory work" with your husband in advance.
Many young couples are experiencing a deterioration in understanding during pregnancy and especially after the appearance of the baby. The so-called crisis of marital relations, in fact, is their normal development: the family is being rebuilt, adapting to the new rules. And negative manifestations of this period can be substantially smoothened, if competently prepared for change.
During pregnancy, a woman often prepares her body for childbirth - she does special exercises for pregnant women, swimming, aqua aerobics, etc. She prepares for the child's birth emotionally - reads special books, magazines, attends courses for expectant mothers. In addition, she equips the house, acquiring everything necessary for the baby. But it is equally important to prepare a husband for the fact that now he will have new expectations.
It's no secret that with increasing pregnancy for a woman for some reason, it becomes increasingly difficult to cope with her former responsibilities for housework: washing the floor, going to groceries, etc. In addition, her vulnerability and sensitivity are increasing, and demands for care are increasing and attention from her husband. Not getting the proper answer and disappointed in their expectations, the future mother takes offense, believing that the husband is not interested in the normal course of pregnancy. The man, for his part, himself is in a situation of "shock". The stability around him collapses, he does not understand the "whims" of his wife, does not know what he should do and how to help, he starts to get angry at himself and all around. That is why it is very important for a woman to discuss with her husband in advance how the management of the household will change during pregnancy and after the birth of the child, explain what help it expects from him, and why it is the husband who should take it upon himself.
Looking for allies
Not all men abruptly change their habitual way of life with the onset of pregnancy of the wife. Some are ready to completely protect their beloved woman from fatigue and physical strain, taking on unpleasant chores around the house, others simply hint at the need to help - and they will begin to provide all possible assistance. But in most cases, the "male half" requires an additional push to get down to doing housework. Then the woman faces a difficult task - to connect her husband to the household.
Ideally, it's good when the issue of distribution of household duties was settled in the family even at the stage of its creation. Then, with the onset of pregnancy, spouses need only slightly adjust the responsibilities of each of them. However, often the situation looks like this, that almost exclusively a woman is engaged in domestic affairs in the family, even if she works. Therefore, if the future mother wants her husband to participate in home affairs, she should competently discuss his wishes with him.
First of all, the wife should understand for herself and try to convey to her husband the idea that both the household and the future child are their joint "property", so you need to allocate time to reasonably agree and share responsibilities for the good of the baby and the family as a whole .
It is worth noting that it is not so important, according to which scheme these responsibilities will be divided: depending on the severity of cases, according to free time or other criteria; the main thing is to be able to agree and not cause in the man an active resistance to your proposals. And here the correct tactics of constructing a conversation can be very important. Unfortunately, women's frequent persuasions and requests, as well as demands and reproaches, tend to give a negative result, because the first option is perceived as imposing someone else's point of view with the consequent necessity to defend one's own. And then a man does not fundamentally take up his homework, even if he understands that his wife needs help. The requirements are psychologically perceived as a threat to one's own self, to which any living organism reacts in two natural ways - flight or struggle.
In the case of "flight", the husband will in fact avoid the very possibility of such conversations, try to be more out of the house, etc. "Struggle" can be expressed in aggression and resistance, attacks on his wife: "I bring money, and you must keep the house clean and order "," You do not do anything all day while sitting at home, and then you ask me for help when I'm tired from work ", etc. Of course, such negative consequences are absolutely useless, especially in the period of expectation of the baby . Therefore, the main thing is to come to a mutual agreement, which will stipulate the duties that will be included in the competence of your husband, and the situations in which you can count on his help. And it will be important to leave the last word for a man. Let him himself finally outline the range of his duties - remember that sooner will come to life those ideas that your husband will consider his own.
The second point to consider is that with great desire and zeal, the cases are performed, after the completion of which a positive result is expected, rather than those that are done, in order to avoid negative. In other words, when talking to your husband about the distribution of household duties, choose for him the motivation to achieve, giving as arguments the advantages he can get by agreeing to a particular job. And such benefits can be not only directly useful for men actions: "You will make a large purchase of products in the store, and then I can prepare a variety of dishes for dinner every day", but also positive emotions and a positive image of himself as a father: "Taking over cleaning the bathroom, you will protect us from the baby from the harmful effects of cleaning products and take care of the health of the child. " Your husband will be more willing to help you if he understands that it will be better for you personally, for the future baby, and for him, rather than if he does it to avoid daily "sawing".
A special place is occupied with the question of how to convince your husband that you really need help. First of all, it should be remembered that men prefer to deal with domestic problems and household chores only when there is no choice, that is, when there is a real need to get involved in housework. Therefore, if you want to rely on the help of your husband, you must show him, firstly, that this or that work should be done in any case (if you do not buy food, that is there will be nothing), and secondly, that you yourself do not cope or you are harmed by some household chores. Dedicate your wife to all aspects of the course of pregnancy and your well-being, give the recommendations of doctors as arguments for the need for help in the home. And after the appearance of the baby, do not be afraid to leave it in the care of the pope, so that he could make sure by his own experience how much time and effort only the immediate care of the child takes, so there is very little free time.
Discuss and share responsibilities
Before proceeding with the distribution of household chores, with the onset of pregnancy, the spouses should find out in what situations and why a woman needs help. For starters, two major stages can be distinguished, each of which introduces changes in the management of the household: the pregnancy itself and the postpartum period. What kind of help from a husband can a woman need on each of them?
Moderate physical activity, like housekeeping, for a future mother is not only permissible, but also useful. Nevertheless, the main thing here is not to overdo it and not to take on too much. There are three groups of conditions and, accordingly, situations in which the husband's participation would be highly desirable.
Doing those household chores that involve a risk to the health of mom and baby. Such economic troubles for a pregnant woman should not be taken without extreme necessity, therefore the duties of this group should be paid special attention to her husband. This includes household chores associated with prolonged exposure to harmful chemicals due to the risk of poisoning - for example, cleaning a poorly ventilated bathroom; lifting and carrying weights, such as bags with food, in connection with the threat of such complications of pregnancy, as an increase in the tone of the uterus; work at the height when washing the windows, hanging the curtains, replacing the bulbs in the chandelier - because of the risk of dizziness and falling with a probability of getting injured. Of course, many dangerous moments in everyday life can be neutralized if you change the usual course of action a little, for example, use baking soda instead of harmful chemicals as a cleaning agent. But, in any case, it is necessary to discuss the fulfillment of potentially life-threatening responsibilities for pregnancy with the husband. Try not to demand that the spouse take on certain types of work that you consider harmful, but involve him in a dialogue with a view to reaching a mutual solution. A man should feel that you do not press him or insist, but want to solve your common problem. Explain to the husband the reasons why the fulfillment of certain duties on the household has become unacceptable for you, and ask what way out can be found from this situation. Probably, most of these cases your spouse will consider reasonable to take on, and in relation to the remaining, perhaps, will offer a different solution - for example, instead of hanging clothes on a hanging high dryer will set several floor. Thus, the result of your joint discussion should be a fairly specific and clear list of responsibilities for your husband, he also approved.
Situations where the husband's help is required "for medical reasons." Most often, they are associated with the individual characteristics, difficulties and complications of pregnancy and vary throughout the term: for example, the threat of early termination of pregnancy or premature birth, conditions accompanied by increased blood pressure, etc. At such times, force and together with her husband to adjust the range of his duties in the household. It is best to invite a spouse to consult your doctor, then you can specify what kind of work and for how long you will have to shift to your husband. For his part, a man, having familiarized himself with the position of a specialist, is more likely to listen to his opinion.
Assistance that is required occasionally, depending on the circumstances. For example, a pregnant woman may feel bad or simply not have time to do something about the house. In this case, the participation of the husband, of course, is not less desirable, but depends more on his human qualities and employment. Do not forget that he, too, can get tired at work, besides, if he honestly performs the previously stipulated duties, leaving you only feasible things, then it is reasonable to apply to him only if necessary, so that he does not have the impression that you are manipulating your own "An interesting position." In any case, while arguing for your request, focus on getting the result: "Today I took a long time with dinner and did not have time to wash the dishes. Wash it, please, and I'll prepare the salad for the time being. "
With the appearance of the baby, the responsibilities of the young mother are significantly expanded: in addition to the previous household chores, the woman is now almost completely subordinated to caring for the child, which requires attention, without exaggeration, 24 hours a day. Naturally, the situation in each family is individual and depends on the behavior of the child: the duration of his sleep, the state of health, activity, as well as the availability of relatives, assistants, nannies, comfortable apartments, etc., but most often in this period the woman begins to feel the acute need for the husband's help.
The reasons why a young mother may need help are partially preserved from the period of pregnancy. For example, a woman breastfeeding, as well as a pregnant woman, should not be in long contact with corrosive chemicals. Part of the work is excluded in connection with the doctor's testimony and the individual consequences of childbirth; for example, lifting weights exceeding the weight of the child is undesirable for some time after the caesarean section. But the first place among all possible reasons for help is a banal lack of time, so it is sometimes necessary to distribute household duties. And it is necessary to adequately inform the husband that the help after a birth of the kid to you will be simply necessary, and anybody in it or this can not replace it or him.
First of all, prepare the spouse for the fact that the habitual way of life will change. In advance, even during pregnancy, explain that at first you will have to devote almost all of your time to the child, and some responsibilities related to caring for the baby will be exclusively yours around the clock, but you can fully share the other things with your husband in order to to communicate with him there were time and strength. Discuss which system of responsibilities is more preferable for your family. For example, you can divide all household chores into masculine and feminine - then everything that is associated with repair, shopping and physical efforts will be taken by the husband. Perhaps you will be closer to the division of duties "to your liking", ie, everyone will take on what he is doing more nicely: for example, you wash the dishes, the husband strokes the laundry. Maybe you'll come up with your own system of distributing household chores. In any case, by accepting one or another system for one's family, a clear list can be drawn up indicating the responsibilities of each spouse or the timetable for their implementation. Then you will not have any confusion, and your nerves and time will be kept for more pleasant things, rather than finding out who should take out the garbage today.
Perhaps, the main adviser in the matter of division of duties, which should be listened to, is common sense. For example, if your husband comes home from work by car, passing several supermarkets along the way, it is wiser to buy it, otherwise you will have to spend time walking with the baby on a shopping trip and then dragging the baby, stroller and many packages home. It is also very important to involve the husband in caring for the baby, which will be useful for the whole family. For the mother, this is an opportunity to get some sleep, get herself straightened and switch from the child to other things, for the father - to have the joy of communicating with the baby and observe him, and for the baby - the opportunity to contact another person closest to him. Explain to your husband that it is useful for the child to communicate not only with mom, but with the pope: hear other intonations, see another person, feel the care of both parents. Agree with your husband about how you share the care of the crumb, give him to read special literature, so that he better understood how to care for a small child. If your spouse will have time for the evening bathing of the baby, let it be his duty. Trust Dad to walk with the child in his spare time, besides, pulling the stroller out onto the street and home is quite a man's job. You at this time can rest and gain strength or do some household chores.
Entrust your husband to do gymnastics with a crumb, and when he grows up - active games: even with a "slider" dad will be able to roll a car or ball, moving around the apartment. Prepare your husband for the fact that for some time you will not get enough sleep and get tired, because the baby will need to be fed and at night. So ask your spouse to give you a little breather. For example, you can offer him such an option: "My baby and I will try not to wake you up at night, so that you get enough sleep before work, and you take a child in the mornings on weekends so that I too can get some sleep."
How to ask for and receive help
Another important point is to keep the agreement after the discussion and, it would seem, the decision to divide the responsibilities. Why does a man suddenly cease to fulfill the contract and refuses to help? Unfortunately, in many cases the reason is the wife's behavior. Being confident that the household is not originally a male occupation and the husband will knowingly do something wrong, a woman often herself discourages a man from helping, criticizing everything he does around the house. To ease your life, a woman should follow certain principles that allow her husband's help to be adequately treated: If you share responsibilities in the home, give your husband the opportunity to do his or her business on his own. Do not interfere. Of course, he will do something wrong, like you, but the main thing is not the way of action, but the result. Perhaps he will get tired of washing dishes and he will install a dishwasher - the main thing is that he copes with his duties and the plates remain clean.
Do not forget to thank and praise your spouse for help, stress that he has done very well. It is important for every person to have positive reinforcement and the awareness that his work was appreciated and noticed.
Remind that thanks to his help you saved time and energy and now you can rest together or spend time with the baby.
Do not break the criticism, even if you are not too satisfied with the result of help. Next time, give more precise and specific instructions, make lists, determine the sequence of actions, leave reminders. Men need specificity, so the phrase: "Buy something for dinner" does not fit. At least for the first time the organizational side of the question should remain for you.
If your husband honestly fulfills a pre-defined terms of reference, do not bend the stick, demanding more. Having mastered his own affairs, he has the right to rest, even if you have not finished your work, as well as vice versa. If your husband takes the initiative, do not forget to support it, even if you think that now it is not worth doing. Remember that he wants to make you feel good and help.
Men, in the majority, are rational, therefore for actions they need reasonable and logical arguments. If you ask your husband to do what? Or in the household, especially outside the range of his or her stipulated responsibilities, he needs to understand exactly what it really needs to do. For example, after asking a spouse who came from work to iron bed linen, you may well hear a refusal, since it may not be important for him, on what linen to sleep, but he is not likely to want from dirty dishes.
Most importantly, remember that changes in your family way are related to the appearance of your common and most expensive baby, that's why you and your husband are interested in preserving harmony and a favorable psychological climate in the family. Be flexible, listen to each other's wishes, go for compromises, and then you can always agree and solve the problems that have arisen.